Motherhood has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
There is nothing like holding that newborn for the first time and seeing them do all their firsts. Parents have the opportunity of seeing things fresh with youthful eyes again, as well as watching their children try hard and succeed at a number of things.
However, parenthood has also been one of the most difficult challenges of my life. I have cleaned up my share of puke and poop, protected the younger one from certain death by means of the older one, driven kids to numerous practices and school events and play dates, dried tears from heartbreak, taught them how to drive, endured many complaints and whining, received a handful of principal calls, punished them for bad choices, helped them through their failures, and sat beside them in the ER, but the hardest thing I've done so far is letting them go.
My son, my oldest, graduated from high school in 2020. I was fortunate to send him off to a junior college in a small town, which made leaving him easier. Although I am very proud of him and how he's adjusted to independence and succeeded in college life so far, it was hard to drive that 2 1/2 hours back home without him when we left him at his dorm for the first time, and it's still hard not seeing him every day.
My family has changed. I now have more leftovers when I cook. I no longer have a football player to go watch during football season. Like me, my son likes to talk. He shared daily with me what was going on at school and enjoyed getting into conversations about politics and culture with me. That daily interaction with him is not there anymore. Like me, he enjoys taking his time and stopping to smell the roses. I am now the lone lollygagger in the house.
My husband has two other sons, but they are also now grown. He was able to enjoy fishing and hunting with another son when he and I married, and talking about cars, guns, weight lifting, and other man stuff. He's now the lone man in the house with my 16-year-old daughter and me.
Even though she's only admitted it once and probably enjoys having the upstairs bathroom to herself now, my daughter misses her big brother. She may not miss his relentless antagonizing, but she misses having a sibling around to pal around with and share with and get in trouble with. Although it may have annoyed her at times, I'm sure she misses his daily protectiveness when it comes to boys. She's now the lone kid in the house.
I know this is what I was meant to do. As soon as they are born, you have to slowly but surely begin letting your children go. You have to let them go when they are learning to walk, starting school, learning to drive, and then learning to make a way for themselves as young adults. But knowing that doesn't make it easy.
This son of mine was a challenge in the beginning, defying me almost daily as a small child. He was an easy, happy baby, but spent as much time in trouble as he did anything else between the ages of 3 and 8, and it seemed like i picked up Nerf bullets forever.
He's been so much fun too. He grew into an easy-going, quick-witted, likeable young man who was always the encourager on all of his teams. I taught him how to play basketball and helped him, along with his Dad, with so many other sports. I can remember evening pitching a baseball, kicking a soccer ball, and throwing a football. We watched all the Star Wars movies together over and over. We also share a love for music. I play the piano, and he learned to play guitar. I took him to his first concert when he was almost 10, just him and me, and I can remember when he stood with me and his sister in awe by the stage at the Lumberyard in Roscoe a few years ago watching Charlie Daniels perform and play his fiddle.
It's the end of something.
But is it the end of mothering my son?
I see now after a year has passed since he's gone off to college that it's not the end. It's just different.
He calls and texts regularly to share the things he's learned and stories of new friends he's made. He still asks for advice and for money. I just don't hear from him every day. That's because he's learning how to navigate life on his own. That makes me proud of him and gives me a sense of accomplishment for how I raised him. He still needs me to be his mother, just in a different way. I am learning how to do that as I've learned along the way ever since he was born.
But it is the end of something. I recognize that. It's something I grieve as I have grieved the passing of each stage. However, I will learn to enjoy this next stage with my son of young adulthood and continue to enjoy being his Mom and my daughter's Mom for the rest of my life.
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