An Anniversary Observed

 

When I first think of the word anniversary, I think of something cheery, but I know that some anniversaries are dates you dread. I write this on the 10th anniversary, Jan. 27, 2022, of my husband's death.

I often don’t know how to act or feel when this day comes around. Should I feel sad and grieve, or should I celebrate the time I had with him? I guess the best answer to that question for anybody is that there is no right or wrong thing to do. It depends on the person and the situation. There are times when this anniversary comes around, and I am so busy with life that I forget. There are other times that I just reflect on things. There are also times I just don’t want to think about it. And there are some times I am really sad.

What made me start thinking about this is my daughter. She’s 17 now. She was 7 when her father died, and now has lived longer than she knew him. She has known her step-father more now. It's the same for my son who turned 20 in November - he's lived longer than he's known his Dad. We usually make plans to go to visit their father’s grave and just spend some time together if we can and reminisce about our lives with him. However, in the last several years the kids have had a basketball game or some sort of practice. One of my son’s best friends has his birthday on that day. So sometimes we don’t have a lot of time to really think about it.

But this year, it seemed to bother my daughter more than other years. Maybe it’s because it’s a big year - 10 years. Or maybe she just needs to acknowledge the enormity of what happened in her life so she can move on with the rest of the year. I think that’s really what it’s all about. When an anniversary comes along like that, it just needs to be acknowledged some way or another - like C.S. Lewis called “a grief observed.”

I guess that’s what I’m doing here - observing that although I have a good life now and remarried a man I love very much, the death of my first husband is a hurt that will never completely go away. And I don’t think it should. I don’t have to completely forget the life I had with my first husband, and the dreams we had for the future with our children, in order to be happy. I carry them around with me in my heart as something I earned through loving him. There’s always hurt involved when you love someone, and inevitably, if you stay married to someone for the long haul, one person in that couple will have the traumatic experience of having the other person ripped from them upon his or her death.

There’s another day that involves my husband’s death that always sneaks up on me - Dec. 20. As that day nears and I’m making holiday plans and school activities are coming at me one after the other, the thought always starts to lurk in the back of my mind that there is something coming up on Dec. 20. My brother’s wedding anniversary is that day, but I always recognize that and then keep thinking there’s something else on that day. Eventually I remember that was the day my late husband had his big surgery before his death about a month later.

It’s strange. It happens to me like that every year without fail. Of course, once I acknowledge that date, I am able to move on from it.

I find it helpful to my children that I regularly acknowledge their loss. Although they have me, a good step-father, wonderful grandparents and other family members and friends in their lives, their father will always be missing. I’m so thankful my young daughter already understands you can experience sadness and peace at the same time, and she recognizes that’s only possible through a relationship with Jesus.